Sometimes, I wonder

Sometimes, I wonder what Justin would be like today had he survived his overdose. Would he have been able to overcome his addiction? Would he have married his girlfriend Allie? Would he still be my goofy boy that played pranks on me, loved all music, and was most at home in the outdoors?

Sometimes, I wonder what I would be like had Justin survived his overdose. Would I still have the same empathy for families of addicts? Would I still be as cautious about taking any kind of narcotics for pain? Would I be a Mimi by now? Would I still listen for the whump-whump of his bass as he pulled up the street to our house? Would I sleep better?

Sometimes, I wonder what Adam would be like had Justin survived his overdose. Would he have the lines of tension that he now has on his face? Would his shoulders be a bit more relaxed? Would he sleep better? Would he go hunting, something that he always enjoyed with Justin but that he can’t bring himself to do without him?

Sometimes, I wonder what Elyssa would be like had Justin survived his overdose. Would she and Justin been close as adults? Would they be friends as well as siblings? Would she feel less vulnerable? Would she be more trusting?

Sometimes, I wonder if wondering about these types of things is fair to me, or anyone else. And sometimes, I just think about how much I miss my sweet, sunshiny boy.